iwanthermidnightz:

At the midway mark is “August,” one corner of the fictional high school love triangle — “Cardigan” and “Betty” make up the other two — Swift sings about from each party’s perspective. “August” plays out from the point of view of an unnamed character who we later learn “James” cheated on “Betty” with.

It’s the first song on the album about infidelity, and the language Swift uses to elucidate unfaithfulness echoed my first queer relationship, which was trademarked by secrecy and guilt.

Hearing “August” yanked me right back to when I was 16, falling asleep in my first girlfriend’s childhood bedroom, feeling the indescrible joy and relief of learning about your own sexual identity.

For the protagonist of “August,” the fleeting summer love is something she “never needed more.” She recalls “whispers of ‘Are you sure?’” and “livin’ for the hope it all.”

There was so much hope in finally putting the pieces together. That’s why I’d always been a little different from other girls — why I had to force myself to care about impressing boys or deciding which ones were cute. That’s why I cried and felt my stomach twist after my first kiss with a boy, and why I only had crushes on the ones who turned out to be gay.

But we also dated in secret. At the beginning of our relationship, I had no idea what the people around me would think if I came out. I wanted to, but I was terrified of how the conversations would go.

My girlfriend knew that her parents were homophobic. They would never allow their daughter to be in a lesbian relationship. So we kept it a secret, using the veneer of friendship to date for almost a year.

On “Illicit Affairs,” the idea of meeting a loved one in “beautiful rooms,” only to end with “meetings in parking lots” was a sharp reminder of the mechanism of sneaking around. Even after I wasn’t allowed to see my girlfriend anymore, I had brief moments in my car with her in our high school parking lot.

Being closeted is one of the most melancholy states of being, especially as a young queer person, surrounded by non-queer people who are able to express their blossoming relationships without fear of scrutiny. Being punished for your “clandestine meetings” is even worse, and instills long-lasting anxieties and insecurities.

It’s a weary feeling to have to hide the things that make you happiest from overly critical eyes and closed minds. While Swift hides from an unforgiving media and perpetual critics rather than homophobia, the substance of her songs and the darkness in “Folklore” offer a comforting sense of familiarity.

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